How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
You Might Also Like
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*lint rolls you awake*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.