I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
So glad we cleared that up
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing