If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.