I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact