[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.