I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
#Caturday
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.