Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
the best thing i’ve ever made
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Somebody call the cops.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
This made me chuckle.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out