ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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Yup
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!