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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
me and the Superbowl rn
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.