True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
She puts the hot in psychotic
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Quadruple digit IQ
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣