A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
You Might Also Like
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is