It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Cat is stressing him out.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
mom had nothing to worry about
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907