It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
79.
![]()
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
![]()
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain