ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
🙋♀️
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.