me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I drew y’all a little something.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.