Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
White Castle for the Win
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?