Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The old gods are rising again.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.