Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*