Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner