I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
You Might Also Like
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.