Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
early stone age tool
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.