@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

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@Brohamulet

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

@Shade510

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

@lincnotfound

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

@1AIMMadellynne

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

@ilovepie84

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

@whalesmells

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.