Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
No. He’s not coming out to play