girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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Solving a traffic jam
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me irl
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs