doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes