The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.