Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now


Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.


My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough


[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now


Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.


Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…


Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?


If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s


Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity