@christinaloca

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

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@decentbirthday

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@_wangwe

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

@deloisivete

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@darksidedeb

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

@MariyaAlexander

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@CampbellxEmma

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity