That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Y’all ready for this
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
There’s only one good girl here!