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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?