I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)