Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
You Might Also Like
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.