‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Tattoo on nuts]
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Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me