@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me irl
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.