Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
cat vs inanimate object
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
just got my engagement photos
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.