Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.