cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
✌️
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m aging like a fine banana
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.