Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
True freaking story!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”