I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Poetry is my passion
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?