The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
nyc:
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
A short story about romance.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them