There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.