I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
You Might Also Like
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot