Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants