A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I was bored.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Easy enough.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire