85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Last-minute gift idea!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.