Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Go girl power!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows