Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”