just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.