I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?