[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
You Might Also Like
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.