I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Livid.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
President The Rock Obama
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks