I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer