I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
This kid is going places
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.