911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.![]()
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Interior design 👌
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.