911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
This one’s “Alex”.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.