Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You got this…
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”