[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
there’s probably a fee though
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them